My friends! Listen to me! I have great news that all should hear! I have news so astonishing that it could change everything! EVERYTHING! The era of ignorance is over, my friends! The news is so grand I fear that some, if not most of you, will not believe it. But you must trust me! You must! Do not question anything that I tell you - ANYTHING - or you will pay dearly. I'm sorry, but it's true. Unbelievers will be dealt with accordingly. But do not fret, my friends, because the truth is so great and so powerful that your lives will be altered for the better. It's true! Are you a poor slob without a future? Do you find yourself wishing your life was different? Do you even hate yourself? Don't worry, because what I'm about to tell you is so significant, so utterly groundbreaking, that all of your worries and insecurities will vanish! It's true! It happened to me. I used to be a sad, lonely man. I hated everything and everyone for no reason in particular... but then I heard the news. The news, friends! I heard the news and I was saved! Now I'm successful and attractive. It's true! The news that I'm about to tell you will change your lives for the better as well. I promise you! The news is so powerful that upon hearing it you will immediately feel a change begin to take form in you. You'll feel MOTIVATED! You'll feel EMPOWERED! You'll feel IMMORTAL! My friends, I'm about to tell you news that will change you and everything you know. It's true! Are you ready? Are you ready to have your life changed for the better? Are you ready to feel like you can do anything and never fail? Are you ready, friends?

I think you are.

I think you're ready to hear the great news!

My friends, let me tell you the great news. Let me tell you something. Let me tell you. Let me tell. Let me. Let. Le. L. . . . . . . . . . . .